One of my favorite comedians, Sebastian Maniscalco, once talked about Google. Or more specifically, how Google is a place where we admit things that we would never admit to a living soul. We Google our embarrassing symptoms, our weird fetishes, and our dumb questions. Every single person we have ever come in contact with (over the age of 14 and able to use the Internet) has Googled something disturbing, twisted, wrong, or disgusting. NO ONE will ever reveal their most embarrassing searches. NO ONE.
With that said, one of the perks of being a blogger is getting to see what people searched to get to my blog. And now I’m going to share those searches with you, my fine readers. I tried to keep it a mix of funny, weird, and inquisitive searches and commented on each. Enjoy. P.S. If someone admits to finding me through one of these searches, I will love them forever…
Let’s start this off with a bang.
“fat asses getting three wayed” — There’s not much I can say here. The only thing more disturbing that the search itself is the fact that it brought them here THREE TIMES.
“dammit Carol get your shit together” — I love this person.
“I don’t give a shit about money” — Me neither!
“noisy people live upstairs how to piss them off” — Go all Mr. Heckles on their noisy asses!
“I’m a hermit I don’t like people” — Welcome home, brethren!
“fat people got ass” — I write one post with the word fat in it…
“club for hermit people” — That would completely defeat the purpose of hermitdom. Unless it’s all over the Internet and no one has to talk to each other.
“blog about being able shit money” — Hmmm, I can’t do that. Nor do I want to.
“multiple laser pointers” — I’m assuming you have kittens? Or incredibly gullible kids? (Note to self: trick future children with laser pointers)
“how to eat like a baller” — Champagne and caviar, bitches, champagne and caviar.
“pet allergies choosing between pet and stepchildren” — I say neither. Pets are a mess and stepchildren are brats.
“red headed debt child” — This was actually the first draft title of this blog.
“earn enough money before you start thinking nonsense” — Nonsense like moving across the country without a job? I’m assuming you didn’t stick around, Googler.
“saving for retirement is stupid” — You’re stupid. *sticks tongue out*
“why do some people hoard loads of money” — Sexual reasons.
“can you get a cheddar bo biscuit at night” — Probably, but why would you do that to yourself?
“how to display knick knacks as a minimalist” — Minimalists don’t have knick knacks.
“when to leave public accounting” — Immediately, before it steals your soul.
“saving cash using sex” — I have never advocated this.
“do people who married in frugal times wish they had had a more expensive wedding” — Not me!
“things I don’t care about” — You found my blog? I’m flattered.
Actually the majority of searches are some variation of “I’m XX years old and I don’t know what to do with my life”. Join the club. We’ve got jackets. It’s really easy to fixate on the future and figuring out your purpose in life. It’s also really easy to miss out on life that way. Set some short and long term goals, but try to let the Universe take you where it wants you to go. I find it usually has better plans for me than I could ever make up.
Bloggers, what are some of your favorite searches? Did anyone reading this find me with one of these searches? Does “fat asses getting three wayed” guy still visit RDS on the reg?
[Image from Buzzfeed]