Now we all know I’m actually rather partial to my ass, but “there’s a doughnut around your mid-section, don’t eat it!” wasn’t quite as catchy. (Although, it’s not terrible either!)
I’m not picking on fat people, by the way. I’ve packed on more pounds than I want to admit since becoming an accountant and busy season made things worse. So in an effort to fit into my jeans again, I am slimming down on the cheap and you should totally join me. And make sure to #pfworkout it. (I don’t speak Twitter, so forgive me.)
Listen up cubicle jockeys, married people, and couch potatoes! Your ass is fat! Cubicle jockeys, you sit all freaking day and then you are mentally exhausted so you go home and sit some more. Married people, you’ve let yourself go and every exciting event in your life revolves around food. Couch potatoes, you’re effing lazy. I would know, I’m all three of these people! So let’s talk free exercise before you die early covered in Cheetos. That’s not a good look for you, my dude!
1) Call up your HSN addict friends. Bullshit, you don’t know anyone. EVERYONE knows someone who is addicted to home shopping networks and I promise you they have exercise gear/vids. If they tell you that you can’t take it, take it anyway. They will never notice because they are never gonna use it. My grandparents are home shopping fanatics and I now own Zumba DVDs! This is exactly what I look like when I use them:
2) Take the freaking stairs. Cubicle jockeys, you probably park in a monstrocity of a parking garage. Park on the top floor (7th floor for me!) and take the stairs up and down. Feel the burn! In a normal parking lot? Park as far away as possible and jog or speed walk in. Bonus points if you lunge into work.
3) Check out free workout vids. There are approximately 7 bajillion exercise vids on YouTube and another 800 workout DVDs in your local library. If your excuse is that you don’t have a gym membership, you’re full of it. It is a luxury and not a necessity, regardless of what your justifications are. To get started, go check out Blogilates’ YouTube page. She looks pretty damn good for doing her own workouts, no?
4) Check out fitness blogs. Continuing the Internet theme, did you know that there are non-PF blogs? (OMG, no way!) Yes way — there is actually a world outside of this IRA maxing out, 20 year old car driving, one-ply toilet paper using community! There are a gazillion bloggers who blog about health & fitness and the de-fat-ification of asses. To ease you into it, check out Fitnancials, a blog about both finances and fitness.
5) Clean out your closet. You already own exercise equipment. Yes, you do. You bought it the last time you wanted to get skinny. I’m going to go out on a limb and say you own a yoga mat, a pair of hand weights, a Thighmaster, and at least one of The Biggest Loser exercise DVDs. Go look, I’ll wait.
You’re back? Oh, I was right? Who woulda thunk it? GO USE THAT STUFF. Get your cost per use way down, child!
Alright guys, go get sexy! And don’t come back until you do! (Seriously guys, my reputation is at stake. I can’t have a bunch of non-sexy Twitter followers. Especially because the king of sexy — J. Money of Budgets Are Sexy — totally tweeted my link last Friday. EDIT: And mentioned me on his blog today! Holla!)
Just kidding, you are all fabulous! How do you get skinny on the cheap?
[Image from That’s Normal]