Last Wednesday, I was stricken with a terrible illness. I knew immediately it would be the end of me. By Friday, I was unable to move and had to stay home from work. I spent the next two days in my bed wondering which breath would be my last. As I laid on my deathbed wishing for the end of my pain and misery, my thoughts went to my writing gigs. I wondered who would tell my freelance clients that I had died. And more importantly, what would they do if I didn’t get my witty, charming words to them by deadline? These were the thoughts that raced through my head as my eyes closed and the world went black.
Okay, so in actuality I had a cold. But it was a bad cold. And also I’m overdramatic and have a very low pain tolerance.
As a part time freelancer, I make my own schedule. Which is awesome. The not-so-awesome part is that it is more difficult to call in sick when everything is on you. I don’t have anyone else to pass my work off to. I don’t have anyone else to take responsibility for work that is turned in late. I AM lucky enough to have some pretty awesome clients (bosses?) that probably wouldn’t hate me for turning something in a little late, but I don’t want to test that for a cold. Sometimes, you just have to suck it up. Since that sucks, let’s discuss how to bring yourself back from the dead in order to make some cash and keep your clients happy.
How to save your own life:
Step 1: Get yourself a minion. That’s right, a minion. Someone to do the heavy lifting – like fetching you medicine and opening your water bottle for you. Pick a friend, family member, or significant other to essentially be your servant until you heal up. A little advice – choose the most low maintenance person you know, as you will eventually have to return the favor. You don’t want to take care of someone who’s an even bigger pain in the ass than you are.
A big thanks to Steve for being my minion – when I’m sick and when I’m well!
Step 2: Get medicated. I hate medication. HATE IT. I don’t trust pills and I’m a bad swallower*. Why do they make pills that are designated “for sore throats” so big? What genius came up with that? Anyways, I decided my hatred for pills was not as strong as my hatred for being sick and miserable. So I sucked it up** and took the pills. I like to think that they made me better, faster.
As far as I know, they have not yet created medication that is drowsy/non-drowsy according to necessity. I want a medication that can make me drowsy when I want to sleep, but is non-drowsy when I need to do things. I don’t want to commit 12 hours to drowsiness. Let’s call Science and see if anyone is working on this…
Step 3: Get creative. Or call someone that is more creative than you. For example, it was hot and I didn’t want to turn on the A/C out of fear that it would kill me. I wanted a cold compress but I don’t own wash cloths. Enter my brilliant mother. She suggested I get a sock damp and freeze it for awhile. Most genius idea ever! This also works if you are in need of an ice pack.
Step 4: Get nourishment. Word to the wise, a person cannot survive on popsicles and saltines alone for two days. Well you can, but it isn’t fun. You will feel incredibly weak and even more convinced that you are in fact dying. Eat something! Your minion will get it for you, so your effort will be minimal.
By the way, in case you are wondering, I did not have the flu and I was not nauseous. So why the saltines? I don’t get the flu. Ever. I haven’t had it since I was very, very young. But I love Sprite and saltines, so I always eat them when I’m sick. That’s probably weird, but whatever. The problem is, I generally ONLY eat saltines and then I feel like I’m going to pass out.
Just a general note: Maybe the best advice is not procrastinating on freelance assignments. Do your stuff early so you don’t have to worry about illness screwing up your schedule and deadlines. I’m not going to ACTUALLY take this advice, but you totally should. Do as I say and all that…
How do you bring yourself back from the dead? Do you have a good minion to help you out?
*Yeah, I know what I said. Get your mind out of the gutter.
**This whole paragraph just sounds dirty.
[Image from 9GAG]
