Is your glass always half empty?
Do you feel like it only rains the day you get your car washed?
Have your friends or coworkers implied that you are the human equivalent of Eeyore?
If you answered yes to any of the above questions, YOU may be a pessimist! Which is depressing, like the rest of your horrible life.
Pessimism is a trait many of us develop as we age. And why wouldn’t we? Many of us are stuck in desk bound jobs we hate and go home to irritating spouses that breathe too loudly and bratty kids that hate us. Our only reprieve is our two weeks of PTO, one week of which will most definitely be used for said bratty kids’ doctor’s appointments and emergency room trips for stress induced panic attacks. The other week will be spent on a “vacation” where we think about all the things we have to do upon returning to work and listen to our spouses continue to breathe loudly while our kids demand anything that costs too much money and throw fits when we refuse. Meanwhile, it takes everything in us to not throw ourselves out the nearest hotel window.
I’m just kidding; I’m really not that pessimistic. I’m only 23, I’d be totally screwed if I was already that pissy – imagine how bad I would be in my forties! The point is, optimism and pessimism can both cost us and save us money in different ways.
So how do the glass-half-emptys spend differently from the glass-half-fulls? I’m glad you asked.
Spending More
– Insurance. Because god knows you are definitely going to need it. Your transmission will go out, your bratty kids will push your housekeeper down the stairs, your house will catch on fire, and vicious gang members will break your teeth off on a curb – probably all within 24 hours. You need all types of insurance – auto, medical, dental, homeowner’s/renter’s, life – all with low deductibles. Don’t worry though; you don’t need hot body part insurance. If you were that sexy, you wouldn’t have any reason to be pessimistic.
– Umbrellas. You are going to need the very best of the best umbrella to keep off the rain from the lone storm cloud that constantly hovers above you. Not to mention a blocker for the inevitable bird shit that we end up on your shoulders – as only unrealistic, ditzy optimists believe that being shit on is good luck. Maybe they are on to something. After all, as a pessimist you probably have some very dark needs…
Spending Less
– Dates. If you are single and pessimistic, you are going to save a lot of money on dates. After all, you already know you’re going to die alone with ten cats. No one will find you for a week, by which time the cats will have eaten most of your face. But look at the bright side (as if), you won’t be spending money in the hopes of finding your one true love. Because that shit only exists in movies starring singing forest creatures or Katherine Heigl.
– Lottery tickets. There is a one and a billion chance anyways, but for you it’s more like one and a trillion. Some people may buy tickets to dream about what they would do if they won, but you aren’t that naïve. Who has dreams anymore? Don’t they know that life sucks and then you die? Effing optimists, why won’t they let us rain on their parade?
Are you an optimist or a pessimist? How do you think the negative spend differently from the positive? Which Winnie the Pooh character do you most identify with? I think I’d probably say Rabbit with just a dash of both Piglet and Tigger – the bossy, controlling know-it all that gets easily irritated by others but also has anxiety issues and ADD.
[Images from starcrush & That’s Normal]
